A celebration of the worst of the worst…so far
A few weeks ago, my soon to be wife asked me “why do you watch this shit?” She was referring to Dead Silence, James Wan’s 2007 ventriloquism horror. It’s not a new question from her and it’s not a surprise. Her hobby is reading and mine is watching films. There’s a lot of similarities between the two. It’s a form of art and sometimes you take a punt based on a cover/poster or you take a recommendation. The biggest one for me, is that when you watch/read a fucking awful piece of art, it’ll make you appreciate the better ones more.
That’s why I thought I’d share some of the worst of the worst. The bottom of the barrel. The shit off the shoe. This blog was born out of my experience of watching Theodore Rex. An experience that was so mind blowing, I felt like I needed to share it. I think it also sparked something in me internally that drew me towards watching more weird and wonderful films. Yeah it’s great watching a film you’ve seen 10 times before but there’s something about diving into the unknown that gives me a cinematic buzz. Sometimes you uncover a banger. Sometimes you want to gauge your eyes out.
That brings me to this blog. These are the ten films that I’ve rated 1/2 a star on Letterboxd so far. There’s no ranking of this list of shit, it’s merely based on date, oldest to newest.
10. Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (1980)
Literally just a porno. Starring Laura Gemser of Emanuelle fame and Joe D’Amato directing, I went into this with the expectation of a horror film with a bit of eroticism, like some of D’Amato’s other films but this as a flop (pun intended) for me.
9. Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
I slogged through the entirety of the Hellraiser franchise in 2025. Following part 3: Hell on Earth, it’s a very quick descent into direct to video, rights retaining slop but this is egregiously bad. The acting is awful, the “new” Pinhead is terrible, the concept absolutely dreadful. Watching it is genuinely a painful experience when you think of Clive Barkers initial masterpiece and the world/lore he created. Not even a so bad it’s good watch. Avoid.
8. Blood Theatre (1984)
Christ. Where do you even start with this?! It’s incomprehensible to me that someone gave Rick Sloane money/resources/backing to make ONE film. The fact he has 17 directing credits to his name on Letterboxd is revolting. It’s telling that on this film, he is credited as director, writer, producer, editor, cinematographer and composer. Blood Theatre is incompetent, inane, shoddy and generally abysmal.
7. Night of Horror (1981)
I don’t think I can add anymore to this than my Letterboxd review says from the time.
This is without a doubt the fucking worst piece of shit I have ever watched in my life. Not a single redeemable feature. Horrible acting, awful direction, filmed on a potato and fundamentally about as scary as an episode of the teletubbies. Please do not waste any of your precious lifespan, like I have, watching this.
6. Theodore Rex (1995)
Just go to my first blog? In all seriousness, I would defy anyone to watch this and find any ounce of sense or enjoyment from this. A totally bizarre monstrosity of a stain on direct to video.
5. Mermaid Isle (2020)
At the time I wrote “Because I literally cannot give it any less. This year I’ve watched some awful films but this is easily the worst film I’ve ever watched. I genuinely can’t think of a single redeeming feature.” I tried to cast my mind back to watching this and I’m utterly convinced you don’t see a single mermaid in this film.
4. Reel Horror (1985)
There’s always that joke about the budgets for 80s film being 90% spent on cocaine. This is a perfect advert for that. I can’t believe that somebody turned this film in on a Monday morning at some production company HQ. This is garbage like all the others but this feels even worse because there has literally been zero effort put into it. It’s disgustingly bad. A hodge podge of 70s horror films spliced around an incomprehensible mess of a central segment.
3. Puppet Master: The Legacy (2003)
Similarly to Reel Horror, this is an insulting, cash grab highlights reel of the Puppet Master franchise with a horribly bad central narrative spliced in. It’s so cynical and it looks like it was shot on a Nokia. It came to something that I was longingly wishing I was watching Retro Puppet Master.
2. Elves (2018)
Wanting a film to put you in the Christmas spirit? Unlike the 1989 batshit crazy Elves, the 2018 edition is the sort of film that makes you want to tear your tree down and replace the turkey in the oven with your head The only positive I can give you for this. One of the most boring, lethargic, half-cooked, poorly acted and insulting films you’ll see, irrespective of its low budget.
1. Captain Hook: The Cursed Tides (2025)
After 10 minutes I knew what this was going to be. I decided to stop and then I thought, I’ve not switched a film off before the end in a long time and it’s disrespectful to everyone who was involved in making this “art”. In hindsight, I would say it’s disrespectful from the filmmakers to have released this advertising it as a horror and action film when I’ve seen more horrific and action packed episodes of Bargain Hunt. Even for low budget, it’s abysmal. This was akin to a GCSE Film Studies project, stretched out over a 90 minute run time. I don’t know what else I can add other than to implore you not to waste 90 minutes of your life like I did.
